Newsgasm: Year 2030 Edition

First Daughter Suri Cruise checked herself into rehab this morning.
This is just the most recent in a series of publicized stumbles for the first family’s only child. You’ll remember in 2023 her brief engagement to Sean Preston Federline was cut short under mysterious circumstances when Sean Preston, while on a Scientology retreat, vanished in the woods in what Xenuian authorities called a tragic bear attack.

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